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Episode #109: Microbudget Guide to Gifting

Updated: Oct 13, 2020

Say it with me now, The key to a “THOUGHT THAT COUNTS GIFT” is that

it must look and feel like a “THOUGHT THAT COUNTS GIFT”.


1) Use EVERYTHING in your kitchen

Actually, truly. That salsa jar you’re almost out of? Leaking of putrid, red-brown chunky filth? - Wash it up and put some goodies inside. Chocolates, nugs!

Or, in the micro budget case: fill up the jar with many, many beads and a secret message or prize inside. I like writing dares attached with some dice, or a deck of cards. Or, perhaps a live wire connecting to something mysterious.

More often than not I come up with a tiny bag of assembled half-eaten Oreo cookies or a shot’s worth of something I can put in a baggie.

We all have a trinket or doodle-bob laying around.

Just make sure it reads, "I do not have a single cent to my name."


2) ANYTHING can be wrapping paper


My Very Kind boss just got engaged, and although perhaps (definitely) inappropriate, I tied up his gift in an old cut up Reformation bag. Cloth like that, or newspaper, or old paper bags can be torn, niced up, and never spoken about again.

Plus, like, oh my god Sharpies! "I've admired you from afar, for oh so long" in a sunny sharpied font will make your friend remember A) That last time you asked them to pay for a round of gas in the middle of a dirt-coated highway and

B) Just how deeply you love them.

Remember, the whole point of giving a microgift is to convince its recipient that you thought about them for hours, but you cannot order a gas station coffee without a prompt and unfriendly credit card decline.

It’s nice to have some tape around to keep it all together, but if you don’t - consider string from an old pair of sneakers, or a bunch of hair-ties tied up upon one another in a long, long chain.

If you’re the ambitious kind, try cutting down some of those long green plants we never know who put there. I think something like this is pretty sweet:


3) EVERYTHING can be thrown into a list!

For the woman who has everything.

Have you ever seen an Airpod-clad CEO fast walking with a steaming grande latte, three tote bags of binders, two babies, dodging train traffic in her well-earned stilettos? Every bad bitch runs on chaotic adrenaline.

She doesn't just do that without trying.

Yet, as someone who's lived with that woman for over two decades, I can assure you she has plenty of needs for list-making space, and no idea how to sit down. (Much anticipated Marcia Page episode, coming soon)

Hand-made lists, journals, calendars, and yours-to-fill scrapbooks are easy to make from any retired book or tossed aside post-it note pad. Charm your recipient with love notes or precise reminders of just how much you have memorized of their day-to-day schedule. Creepiness is key to any microgift.

Photo highlighted above. We'll have a full video-post on this one soon.


4) Scraps are your FRIEND.

Do you find yourself waking up in the dead of night, just to be surrounded by Dad's old baseball cards, or tiny slips of incomprehensible notes, or labels pulled off saki bottles from that night you can't possibly place?

Then you might be a trash rat like me!

Scraps are the cheap bowties to any thought-that-counts gift. The finishing touch. La touché finale. последний штрих.

Your paint stubs, old receipts, and decaying paper bags scream to be spraypainted. These can be rearranged into a funky collage, or used as gift tags on a box. I have used scraps of aluminum scraps for celebratory banners, rag scraps for bracelets, and glass scraps for my enemies.


Send in your nifty gift tips to

No, I'm never sure how serious this will ever be, either.

It's how I was raised. Thanks for the Tips, Dad.

Gratitudes: Those poor little gift-wrap plants, killed off by my diligent toxins.

ACTIVITY: Which of these ideas do you want to read more about?



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