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Episode #106: Dear, Dearest Juul

Today I woke up without you by my side, with

no idea how I might continue on without you.

I’m anxious without you.

I’m angry without you.

I’m having strange bowel movements without you.

But Juul, it’s over.

I chucked you into a lake yesterday.

I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t even want to.

Trust me, honey. I don’t want to break up.

Yet you slipped through my fingers and met a watery demise. As I watched your body shudder to death, I flailed with the shame of letting you go so easily. I felt I failed you, where you have never failed me. Then I came up with like eight million iterations for “fuck”. And then I just really, really missed you.

Nothing, no one can make me feel the way you make me feel.

I run a red light. You smother me in benzoic acid. I realize I’ve been misspelling my boss’ name for months. You send me a propylene glycol bouquet. Shower’s too cold. You say shhh, it’s okay honey, nicotine-and-flavorant backrub.

We had candlelit dinners, purple sunsets, road trips together.

We’ve slept together every night for a year. Who else can say that?

Though neither of us can say it’s been easy, Juul.

We both know that’s not true.

I turn on Lizzo, recognize an ounce of self respect within myself, and toss you aside; just to spend an hour looking around for where I possibly hid you from myself.

I protect you from the mouths of those I don’t trust! I pay for all your shit! I’m broke in Trader Joes’ wondering if I can afford an avocado or if I’ll just baby-bird your food like always. I’m embarrassed to introduce you to pretty much everyone.

I love you when you’re close, and hate you when you’re far.

Yet... our relationship has never been as bad as it is right now.

Juul, I have fastened my patience to your tiny rope of smoke for far too long. Today, without you ping-ponging between my heart and my filanges, I feel just how much you have arbitrarily tightened that rope. You promised me love, but you just delivered reliance. You monopolized my focus, you stole my self-esteem, you took away the emotional grays of the day.

I miss those more than I miss you.

I was a fool for you, Juul.

It’s true heartbreak to admit that I know that

You Have Never Loved Me like I Loved You.

It hurts to be so wrong for so long, trapped

in your skinny silver embrace.

This was only supposed to be a summer fling;

I never predicted such a painful end.

My friends always hated you and Dad thinks you’re Cancer.

It’s over.


Gratitudes: Nicorette. That's about it.

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