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Episode #103: My Super Rocking Dating History, As Told by Ariana Grande

It's been a little messy.



I have no shame to admit that anytime thank u, next comes on I throw open my windows and film my own tampon commercial. It’s a great album. And almost perfectly sums up my brief-but-ILLUSTRIOUS dating history.


1.) WAS HE SOCIALLY INEPT? //


“bloodline”

The magician begins,

Mmm, yeah, yuh…

Then a few lines later:

Would you mind maybe linkin’?


Genius.



Sure, I’ll sleep over. Just don’t get me pregnant, hah! No but, seriously though.


Hey you know what, this is nice but maybe we play the silent game. Just …let me know what your wifi password is? Thanks. No, you cannot meet my parents, they're too lovable.



2.) I SHOULD’VE LISTENED TO MY FRIENDS //

“NASA”


A great, totally loving, funny spontaneous prince who ends up being a nutcase arsonist. Sound familiar? This guy was a fan of the late night voicemail.

Ain’t no checkin’ on when I get home tonight

Just makin’ sure I’m good on my own tonight

Even though there isn’t nothin’ wrong tonight


I consider myself lucky to have met this person in the end. They reminded me the best way to end a night is to bicker with your girlfriends over which Real Housewives that chick from band camp might turn into later.


3.) I REALLY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY //

“ghostin”


Ugh, Ari. You're making me feel bad.


Your breathy oooo’s make me wanna just snuggle up in a blanket burrito.

But mostly, it makes me guilty about lying to this particular Ex for canceling so many dates just to eat taco bell alone in my bedroom.


I was a little depressed at the time.


Baby, you do it so well

You been so understanding, you been so good

And I’m puttin’ you through more than one ever should


To who this is for, you’re so attractive. Really sorry I was such a trash heap.


4.) I GOT WITH YOU FOR YOUR HOT JOB //


“needy”


Sure, this one was on me.



5.) THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY //

Met "Smolderfest" on the bus. Was dressed as a burrito.

“imagine”; “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”



This one reminds me of a special one, namely described by Ari’s delectable lyrics:

Click click click and post Drip-drip-dripped in gold


I don’t even know what she means by this.


But I know for me, it was one single person: A McDreamy sunshine hottie who I only knew through Instagram.

His lukewarm "likes" would send me into a frenzy; only seconded when I could steal a a glance of him graffiting penises in the quad, tasty in his bright purple sweatsuit.

Unfortunately found out he had a beautiful, probably more normal/cooler/smoother/less burrito-y girlfriend.

We all know the lyrics of that famous song. I’ll just say these really resonated:

You can call me crazy ‘cause I want you And I never even fuckin’ met you


If you're reading this, would you mind maybe linkin'?


Love, Laura

Gratitude: My Lovely Ex’s






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